it has worked for me

I remember sitting on an airplane over 10 years ago with a young woman talking about some tension that she and her boyfriend were having. I had spent a fair amount of time with both of them, so I had witnessed it firsthand.

After some discussion, I said to her; “You know….you don’t need to say everything that you are thinking. It takes a fair amount of discipline (self-control), but it has proven over and over to me, that it’s the wise thing to do.”

I realized at that moment, that although I had practiced this often myself….. it was the first time that I had used the phrase….”the discipline of the unspoken thought.” Since that day, I have continued to practice that discipline every single day, and have coached many, many others to do the same.

In my marriage, I have thoughts about something my husband has said or done that just bug me. Often, I leave those thoughts unspoken, give myself some processing time, and just let it go. Most of the time, it really didn’t need to be said, because it’s not right thinking or it really doesn’t matter. Sometimes, after processing and choosing better timing, we do talk about it; and it’s a much healthier and much more productive discussion than if I would have spoken those thoughts at the moment I had them.

Same with my friendships, there are times when I want to vent about something or someone that would be considered gossip. In parenting my adult children, I have thoughts about how they are doing something or what they aren’t doing. I am very aware that not every opinion or thought that I have is right, or needs to be said out loud.

Actually, I am surprised how many of the thoughts that roll around in my mind, do not need to be said; and after some time….I am really thankful that I didn’t say them.

The “Discipline of the Unspoken Thought”…….it has worked for me.

I have a variety of Journals that I have used over the years to capture my thoughts in. This one is my favorite.

When my kids were very young, to capture a moment in a photo…you had to actually go grab your camera, which was usually not in the place where the moment was happening. So I started writing them down…. cute/funny stories that I wanted to remember. This is the journal filled with those random stories.

I found it the other day and started reading, remembering, and re-living those great moments.  Such great stuff and my mind wandered to wondering which of my kids would find this book someday as they sorted through my things (hopefully 20-30 years from now). And when they did find it…would they read it, share it with their siblings, and enjoy it as much as I was.

So, I decided not to wait to find out. I took a photo of every page and now plan to text a story to them once in a while and re-live those moments together.

It’s been fun.  I am sure it’s interesting to hear stories about what they were like at the same age their own children are now. And how similar their own personalities were as children to their own children’s personalities. I see it….but now I have written proof.

It has worked for me…

Mark and I moved to Colorado last year.  Although it’s been hard to be miles away from our grandchildren and our children, we have been blessed by our extended time with them all when we visit.  A few months ago I sat on the plane on our return trip with a full heart…overflowing with gratefulness for the kind of parents our kids have become.

I sent this note to all of them:

Even though you will not fully understand this until you are grandparents yourselves….I am going to share some thoughts with you anyway.

You cannot imagine the blessing and joy it is for dad and I to watch each of you parent our grandchildren. I don’t ever want to take this for granted. Dad and I do not have one tiny concern about how you are all raising your beautiful children.

 You love them deeply, you are attentive to their unique needs, you are fun and creative, and you play with them and teach them. Your discipline is appropriate, fair, and consistent.

 As grandparents, we love them double time. We love them because of who they are and we love them because they are part of you. If we were uncomfortable with the way you were parenting them….there would be little we could do about it besides pray and give our advice… if you asked. It would be unbelievably difficult.

Each of you has your own individual styles and they are all amazingly wonderful. We are so very proud of each and every one of you. You bless our hearts and fill us with joy to watch you care for, protect, love, and raise our emotionally, spiritually, physically, and relationally healthy grandchildren. Thank you, we love you !!

People would tell me often before I was a grandmother how awesome it is to have grandchildren. And that “awesome” was always about spoiling them and then sending them home.  For me…the awesome is the double love you have for them because they are your child’s child and the joy of watching your children parent.

I thought I knew all of the “releases” that we would face as parents.   The first day of school, the first play date without me, the first sleepover, and getting their driver’s license. When kids get their driver’s licenses is a major release.  They taste real independence for the first time.  Before they can drive, they are dependent on you to get them where they need to go.  And before kids with cell phones and tracking Apps….we didn’t know where they were once they left the house.

I started anticipating the college release at the beginning of their senior year in high school.  I think I had a lump in my throat for 9 months. College gives kids real independence, but let me say that the anticipation of that release was far worse than the reality.

Then, the wedding day comes and we release them to the person they have chosen to love and build a life with.  It’s a bittersweet release.  You know that the relationship will (and needs to) change because it’s very important for them to “leave and cleave “. We were blessed to love the man and women our kids chose to marry, so that was the sweet part.

So, after that, I thought we were done with the “releasing”.  Then…surprise! There is one more release that snuck up on us.

When your adult children are beginning their careers and families and building a life, often they come to you for advice and help.  And it’s important to respond to that carefully recognizing their independence and adulthood.  They need to be free to “take it or leave it”.

But, if we do our job well…our kids will need less and less help and advice from us.  They will do things differently than we did, think differently, make choices without our input, succeed, or fail, and we need to release them to do all of that with a healthy attitude.  It’s actually the reward for raising emotionally, spiritually, and relationally healthy adults.

Because that last “release” was a bit of a surprise….we struggled with that one a bit more than the rest.  But after an attitude adjustment and some reflective processing……we are celebrating this release.  And it feels great.  Anyway…..it has worked for me!!

Communicating with pre-teens and teenagers requires strategy and creativity.  They communicate best with you when it’s on their terms and their timing.  Most of the time, it’s later in the day than we have the least amount of energy or brain power for conversation ….but you have to take what you get.  When our kids came home late at night and came in to plop on the bed to talk…we did our best to wake up and engage right then and there.  It’s a moment that won’t carry over for a morning conversation.

The other strategy that worked for me was “strategic placement”. After school or in the evening when they were returning home from somewhere or finishing homework, I would place myself in the most central place in the house (for us it was the kitchen) and just hang out working on something/anything, ready for whatever conversation might happen.  In other words, I made myself available.

After more than 12 years of your kids being dependent on you, these independent years include the temptation to enjoy your freedom, but the opportunities to hear what is on your kid’s mind are sometimes few and far between.  It’s worth the effort and …it has worked for me.

I was at dinner last week with 6 young moms who were very intentional about doing their very best to raise great kids.  Instead of dessert, we went around the table and asked the question, what advice would you give your younger self about raising kids? It was a great discussion.  My answer was about the outside influencers on my kids.  I told them that the age that most of your children are right now (pre-school) is the time in their lives when you have the most control over the people who have an influence on them.  Don’t take that for granted.  It’s a gift and a responsibility.

Once they start school, you have far less control over who has an influence on them.  When that stage of life came into my children’s lives, I became very intentional about maintaining as much control as I still could in a healthy way.  For example, my kids loved having friends over after school even at a very young age.  I paid attention to what was being said and how they were interacting.  If they needed some help solving a problem or responding to each other then I would step in and talk to them about it.  There were a few instances when I would cut the playdate short and take the friend home if I didn’t think things were going well.

I remember one instance when the kids were pre-teens. They were hanging outside playing basketball and I could see them out the living room window.  I noticed some behavior that I wasn’t happy about.  I called my kids inside and told them that the other kids needed to call their parents for a ride home.  We talked about the behavior and the other kids went home.  Later one of the moms called me and was upset that I had sent her child home.  I explained that I was not happy with the behavior of all of the kids, not just her child.  It was more important for me to intervene than worry about the other mom’s reaction.  I’m just saying…it’s not always easy.

We entertained a lot of kids at our house.  We liked it that way.  Our kid’s friends felt welcome, at home, and they knew I loved them. They also knew that there was an expectation of good behavior and that I was paying attention.

One other thing…we allowed sleepovers before the kids got their drivers licenses.  Sleepovers allow a lot of together time!  Because of that, I was very careful about who was a sleepover friend and who was a daytime friend.  There were friends that I didn’t worry about the influence they were having on our kids,  but there were also some that I thought it was wise to limit the time they spent together.

It’s all about paying attention and doing the wise thing for your kids, even if it’s not the most popular thing.  Anyway…It worked for me!!

Even before kids can say those words, they are thinking them and communicating them with “meltdowns” or temper tantrums.  But once they can form the words, “I don’t want to”…they are frequently used.

My response was often to listen to the why and compromise.  It’s good for kids to learn to defend their opinion. If they felt listened to, then they learn to do that defending in a reasonable and respectful way.  But as often as compromising, my response was, you don’t have to “want” to ….but you do “have” to.  The discussion time was over.

I found that if there is a healthy balance of listening and compromising, then the resistance to the “have to” was minimized.  I have always believed that raising children is really training them how to be emotionally, relationally, spiritually, and relationally healthy adults.  I don’t know about you, but I find myself quite often doing things that I “have” to do, but I don’t “want” to do.  Anyway…It worked for me!

Parenting teenagers is a blast when they are making wise choices and you can trust them.  We always told our kids that we will trust them until they prove to us that we can’t. They lived up to that trust.

Trust needs to go both ways.  Our kids talked to us a lot.  Sometimes about things their friends were doing that their parents didn’t know about…but should.  It was a challenging position to be in. Especially when their friend’s parents were also our friends.  We would find ourselves thinking that we would want to know if the tables were turned.  If we told them what we knew, they could do something about it.

But, when our kids would tell us something and ask us not to talk to their friend’s parents about it, we always protected that confidence.  If we lost the trust of our own kids,  then they would stop talking.  We chose to honor their trust over warning a parent.

There were a couple of times that we pushed extremely hard to talk to the parents about something our kids told us….and they gave us permission to do so.  Those were extremes rather than the norm.  It was always with their permission.

Trust is fragile. It’s worth protecting.  It worked for me…

Today, I can’t help but reflect on the variety of experiences I have had over the years celebrating Mother’s Day.  I will never forget my first mother’s day.  My daughter Ashley was 7 months old.  I had this unspoken (and unrealistic) expectation that I would sleep in, wake up to breakfast in bed, and the rest of the day would be a “day off” from all of the motherly duties.  Hmm, where did I get that idea?

One of the best gifts I received, however, was from my own mother.  We had traditionally celebrated Mother’s Day by spending equal time with both sides of our families; both my mom and my mother-in-law.  Church, a meal, an afternoon activity… it was different every year.  After a couple of years as a new mom, my mom said to me, “I have had years of celebrating Mother’s Day with all of my children.  Now that you are a mother, it’s your turn. Send a card, make a call, but spend the day with your own family and celebrate your own motherhood.” The freedom that she gave me was a beautiful, unselfish, “motherly” gift.

From that point on, that’s exactly what we did.  As a family, we would spend the day at the Zoo, a park, a soccer tournament, or whatever else we wanted to do together as a family.  We would usually end the day with a quick visit or “stop by” on our way home at my mom’s and mother-in-law’s…but time with them was no longer the main event.

So now, my daughter is a mother and my sons have wives that are mothers.  It’s now my turn to pass on the gift that I was given.  They have called and sent beautiful cards and notes.  But time with me today will not be the main event.  They need to develop their own traditions of celebrating Mother’s Day with their own immediate families.

Releasing our children is one of the many roles of a mom.  I have been intentional about doing that and I will continue to as long as I can.  It has worked for me…